Top 5 reasons why a ‘Marites™’-type chismosa is better than your home CCTV

Nowadays, having a CCTV installed in your home is necessary to safeguard your home against any danger and for documentation, but did you know that your next-door Marites neighbor is better than your ‘security camera’?

There’s a lot of things happening in your home or property at any given moment, sure maybe you are longing for the days of having no CCTV poking at every corner of your house, but in this time and age, it is extremely necessary to install a few of these security cameras so you can watch your house anywhere you want — a peace of mind advantage perhaps.

Gone are the days where a private security guard, a caretaker, someone’s pamangkin as a house sitter, your grandpa patrolling your area with a double-barrel shotgun (or in a Pinoy setting, a karit or a .38) or your trustee Belgian Malamute are essential to have in your house.

But what if we tell you that your regular Marites™ neighbor living next to your humble abode is even more effective than those one-eyed power hungry machines we call cameras? Yes, that’s right — your neighbor Alma, Ruby, Josephine or whatever their names are more effective against intruders, mishaps or as your trustee private eye? We listed five reasons why you should consider hiring a Marites rather than installing CCTV’s.

(Keep in mind that while Marites is a female stereotype, there are male Marites out there or even people of all genders [a.k.a. Tibor, Kevin, Oscar, Junezka, Ralfhie, Mhel, etc.] because being a Marites is a personality trait and aren’t restricted to the ladies only.)

Number #1: Cheaper than CCTV, maybe they’ll even do it for free

Yes, you’ve heard that right (inside your head as you’re reading this) that having a Marites around is definitely more cost-efficient than installing a bunch of CCTV’s. Looking at the metrics below, it shows that you can just invest once on a Marites (e.g. giving them your leftover ulam from yesterday, inviting them once at an inuman session) and they can offer their service for you for as long as you want– whereas if you install a CCTV, there’s the actual cost of the unit, installation fee, coverage area, Wi-Fi connectivity, maintenance, upgrades and more, you’re better off sticking to Marites instead.

Your local Marites™EXPENSESA group of 4 CCTV’s
Your leftover ulam or
invite them for inuman
cost of unit(s)₱9,000 above x 4
= ₱36,000
Just initiate a quick chatinstallation fee₱8,000 or more
The whole barangaycoverage area12 – 30 sqm. per camera
Can function without Wi-Fi
or electricity
Wi-FiCannot function without Wi-Fi
and or electricity
Mouth speed up to Mach 5
No maintenance needed
Maintenance and
speed
Slow file transfer/stream
Monthly/yearly maintenance
Updates automaticallyUpgradesNeeds software upgrades
Comes in fun names such as:
Junalyn, Paolo, Jan-jan, Chuckie
NamesBoring names:
SHV-0956, NMKS580, wtf is that?

Number #2: Crystal clear audio and audiobook function

Most CCTV’s today doesn’t even have audio and you have to settle for expensive models just to get that function. If you’re on a budget, you can’t even have color to save on data space. They are placed on a specific area and can’t roam or else they can lose connection. But that’s not a problem with our trustee Marites here! Get 24/7 updates from Marites wherever you are! Want some quick updates, message her and Marites will respond as quick as lightning with the latest and juiciest gossips in town.

Do you want a more immersive experience, just call or invite Marites for a coffee and they will tell what they without you asking or typing for those pesky prompts in contrast to a CCTV that you’ll need what date, time, location and more to determine what exactly do you want to know. Besides that, what if there’s bad audio or dim areas your clunky CCTV cannot record clearly? Marites’s got you covered!

You: “Anong ganap sa bahay nina Pareng Patrick kagabi, mukhang nag-aaway yata ah!” (Tell me about what happened at Patrick’s house last night, seems like there’s some fighting…)

Marites: “Ah, oo! Sina Patrick at Analyn, umuwi kasi si Patrick kaninang 10 pm, ‘di ba bouncer siya sa club? Ayon, may lipstick sa kuwelyo!” (Ah, yes! It’s about Patrick and Analyn, Patrick got home around that time from his job as a club bouncer, he has a lipstick stain on his collar!)

Also, you have an option to turn HD Color settings on but not the results you are expecting: HD Color is a special Marites function whereas you can tune it to your desired “dagdag-bawas” version of the story, less HD color: more realistic but boring, max HD Color: full of outrageous description but infinitely more entertaining.

Number #3: Motion detection

Most CCTV’s today have built in motion detection function, but it’s mediocre compared to Marites’s heightened awareness mode which can detect up to a barangay-wide area through a secured network aptly named Twitter where all Marites worldwide can share their latest “chismis hits” in real time (you can’t access Twitter unless you’re a professional Marites with a legal PRC id [Philippine Registered Chismaker$]), unlike your CCTV that’s restricted and useless.

Number #4: You can have many Marites™ at the same time for no additional cost

You can have the latest 【issue】at your fingertips with more than a million accredited Marites™ practitioner swarming in your nearby sari-sari store, mahjong hub, Gasul stores and many more areas, you’ll be the most updated person in the world, thanks to Marites (at least in gossips, not actual important news).

Number #5: Your own private eye and proxy

Need to tail someone to catch if they’re cheating, want to report your other neighbor who’s unvaccinated and spreading lies about the Gallardo Bronze? Reap the fruits of your labor without actually exposing yourself with Marites™ reliable private eye / snitch service.

Marites in action.

You can get real time updates about what your ex is eating, her latest location and who’s that new guy or gal that’s ten times handsome or beautiful than you that visited his/her/their house. You can also say your thoughts to your Marites™ and they will act as your personal spokesperson without your identity being exposed as Marites enjoys the drama and circus.

What are the cons of hiring a Marites?

  • They won’t shut up, Marites will dedicate his/her/their lives giving you the latest and useless gossips about someone else’s life.
  • Many Marites aren’t really that attractive due to their design that’s made to be look like that to avoid unnecessary attention and suspicion.
  • Marites will sometimes intrude your house and will feel at home even at times when you don’t want them there just to deliver the same gossips about an issue two weeks ago.
  • Marites needs to be praised and reciprocated with treats, goodies, and/or friendship to keep them from targeting you in return.
  • On some older Marites™ models, the volume rockers and manners mode have issues, leading to the loudmouth variant Marites than can’t do stealth or just can’t shut the f*** up.
Former President Rody Duterte, our favorite Marites

If you’re good with all of the cons, then welcome your new life CCTV-free, but filled with some good ol’ Marites, or the OG spazzers, as the Gen-Z’s said.

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